Day 1...460: Star date - honestly, who cares at this point

Captain Shetler here,

I've been away for a while...You might notice I gave myself a promotion since my last communication. We still haven't located the real Captain so anything goes on this ship now...

...It's been 2,102,400 minutes since I was last able to catch the signal for earth. We lost you about 30 minutes after our last broadcast when a fight between Dr. Pinkerton and myself caused us to knock into an asteroid, which bent the antennae.

After 4 long years of trying to angle the ship just right I finally sent Enson Mboboa out there with a clothes hanger and some duct tape. It seems to have done the job. She wasn't too keen on the idea after the whole heat tools keypad incident. I had her on that task for fourteen weeks before (newly appointed) 1st Officer Heely pointed out that we could just unscrew the hinges. I think Mboboa thought I would have just left her out there while I made my broadcast, (lucky for her I found that duct tape)...

Once we had the heat tools we were able to get into the fridge, downside was that inside we found a 45 year supply of ...you guessed it... vacuum packed cheese singles. We checked the Captains notes, turns out he found a special offer and just sort of ran with it...

...Now, you might be wondering what the fight was about. You see, Dr. Pinkerton and I had a disagreement about whether we should eat what remained of Richard (one of our apes). I suggested that, yes we should you stupid faced fake doctor, but Dr Pinkerton had other ideas. He wanted us to bury Richard, and what remained of Coco's hand, in the vegetable garden as he thought the nitrogen would help the soil...

...I suggested that we eat the apes, then use our soil to help his soil. That's when things really got out of hand. I convinced the others to let me put him in the clink (seems they were all still pissed off about the crackers).

I do hope Dr. Pinkerton liked the stew I made him.

Shetler OUT!